Over the Edge
by SouthernBelle95
Summary: What do you do when you can't handle any more? What do you do when you're at your breaking point and still have more to carry? Do you bail out or just take it? It's Darby Winston's turn to either pull the trigger or deal with what life throws at her.


**As promised here is the new, and hopefully improved, Lullaby!**

***I don't own the Outsiders by SE Hinton***

* * *

"Are you happy?"

I lean back in the futon I had been escorted to when I first got here. The leather was cool and I liked how it felt against my skin.

The ceiling was dingy white with red triangles and green circles stamped all over it. I focus in on the ceiling until the movement out of the corner of my eye reminds me that a question had been asked.

Am I happy?

"What do you find funny?"

I blink a few times, focusing my eyes. I catch myself smirking and set my face back straight.

The memories come back. Flooding back like they do every night when I lay down to go to sleep.

A brown headed boy with brown shiny eyes and a heart of gold. Who had always reminded me of a bear because of his dark features, big build, and hugs that would squeeze the breath out of you.

Dad, tall and dark, who uses to be my best friend, was now a stranger who had seen me at my absolute worst more times then I like to remember.

My mama, a bright contrast to my dad. Who was even more of a stranger to me. My sisters came next, with their shiny blond hair and bright green eyes that made me feel like the odd one out with my dad's looks.

My beautiful cousin who I envied for her innocence and cheerful outlook on like. Who always had something to say that would instantly make me smile.

The two boys who were always together. Use to whenever you saw them they would be joking and playing around. Nowadays you can rarely get a smile out of either of them.

Sitting at the river by myself watching the sun go down. The last of the sun's rays hitting the water and making it look like a million diamonds were floating on top. Everything around me is a deep orange color.

The next one hurts. The face I never got to see. I hold your breath and swallow the lump in my throat.

Then he comes to mind. I barely remember us playing on the swings after school. We came home that day covered from head to toe in mud.

I hear the pencil tapping and I thing about the two of you sitting on porch steps last month and keep it there.

An answer was wanted. I honestly wanted to hear my own answer. I always seemed to surprise myself.

I focus on the pencil tapping for a while, trying to decide which question she wants me to answer.

"Are you happy, Darby?" Dr. Bryce asks. I love the sound of her voice. It's so calm and soothing. It makes me feel the same way I felt when I was little and had a nightmare and would go crawl in the bed between my parents.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes.

"I use to be."

* * *

"You're going to be late, Darby! Hurry it up!"

"Coming!" I fastened the button on my jeans and look in the mirror. This was as good as it was going to get. Bad haircut, a few zits, but I sure as hell wasn't wearing makeup, and a few extra pounds.

Someone yells again and I grab my bag.

Downstairs it smells like syrup and chocolate. Mama's picking up dishes off the table.

The twins walk out of the living room. They thought they were in the sixth grade and still dressed alike. I thought it was kind of creepy.

"The dyke's up." Sara draws out. She makes sure she's by mama when she says it. She knows I'll get her later.

If there was person I could kill and get away with it, it would be Anna. She was a loud mouthed smart ass. Not much had changed.

Anna walks past me and gets her backpack off the table behind me. She had a smile on her face. She thought Sara was funny but wasn't a little bitch like her. Anna liked to be the middle person in all the fights. Mainly she always stayed pretty quiet and drew.

Allie came running in the kitchen with a glass of juice in her hand. "It's time to go!"

We headed for school with Anna and Sara a few feet up front as always. All you could hear was Sara talking about this boy she was crushing on.

Allie hung back with me as usual. She kept bouncing around kicking rocks and playing hop scotch with invisible chalk. Her long, blond ponytail swung a big circle every time she made a skip.

* * *

I turn my head to look at Dr. Bryce. She was writing in her little notebook.

"How long ago was this, Darby?"

I think back. I think back to the time I thought I was fat because I had a little stomach pudge. I'd give anything to have a little fat on me now.

It was the middle of my eighth grad year. 1979.

"Three years ago. I was fourteen."

She nods and scribbles in her notebook. The sound of the pencil scraping the paper was getting on my nerves.

"I noticed you didn't say anything to your mom. And your mother said you two have always had a strained relationship. Was that a problem at this time?"

I look at her with a smirk. "Are you trying to put all this off on mommy problems?"

She leans up in her chair and has a hint of a smile on her face.

"I'm just asking, Darby."

I look back up at the ceiling. People have it in their heads that girls are supposed to be best friends with their mothers. Mine had raised me. She was always there for me as a mama should. But we'd never been that close. It always seemed like no matter what I did it just didn't add up to whatever the twins or Allie did.

"It was alright. We hadn't talked that much in a while."

"Why not?"

I take a deep breath. "I just was starting to do my own thing around that time."

"And how is your relationship with your sisters?" She looks up.

"It started off with Sara. But now…" I trail off.

She's quite for a while before she lays her pad down on her lap.

"Go on."

"Before you interrupted or..?"

I get a smile out of her. "Before I interrupted."

* * *

I watched Allie walk to her school and go in before heading for the middle school. It was warm that day but downcast. I think I remember the weather saying it was going to rain. The river was still flooded from all the rain we'd gotten the week before.

Somebody pulled my hair. A lanky, tall blond appeared beside me a second later.

"You took your sweet dear time didn't you?" T.J hooked his thumbs in his pockets.

* * *

I heard a sigh and looked back at Dr. Bryce.

"So we're getting to T.J?" She sounded like my mama did when she was about to start a job she was dreading.

I sat up straight and hugged my legs. Talking about T.J was pretty high up on my list of things I didn't want to talk about. It made the top two.

"What is the first memory you have of T.J?"

I look down at the fluffy dark green carpet.

I think about it. After a while a room pops in my head.

"We were in this room. The walls were an off white with horse wall paper in the middle. The furniture was dark wood. The bed was messed up and covered with blankets, pillows, and clothes. I remember pulling toys out of a blue toy box with horses running on it. T.J had an orange shirt on with a dark blue dinosaur on it. I remember the smell of crayons. We stayed in there playing all day it seemed like. Dallas finally came and got me."

Scribbles follow.

"So even as children you enjoyed each other's company." I don't know if that was supposed to be a question or not.

"Yeah." I nod. "We were just always close. He was my best friend."

"Mm. And what was your last memory of T.J?"

I don't look down at the carpet. I don't need to think about this one. It had been on my mind for the last week.

"It was at night. We were sitting on my porch steps. There was a bad storm coming. You could smell it."

"Anything else?"

I looked at my hands. "We were just talking at first. It was the first time we had really talked in years. Then we kinda got into it about stuff in the past. It didn't surprise me. Most of our talks have always ended like that."

"Would you like to talk about some of this 'stuff in the past'?"

I ran my hand through my hair and straightened my legs out. Dr. Bryce must have picked up the hint.

"Alright. We'll get to that. Go on."

* * *

T.J had finished telling me about his latest mishap with his dad when we got to school. Everybody was in their assigned spots. Greasers in the yard and socials on the cement slab leading up to the double doors of the school.

We walked to the tall oak tree that we had stood at since our first day here. T.J dropped his backpack on the ground and leaned against the tree.

Everybody else had lockers to put their backpacks if they didn't have to take them home. After a surprise locker check and a pack of cigarettes found, T.J didn't have one.

I look around the yard. "Where are Bo and Luke?"

He didn't answer so I looked at him. He shrugged before I can ask again and looked off somewhere again.

I hear a familiar laugh and pretty soon Bo and Luke are shoving each other at the tree.

T.J gives them both the once over before singling in on Luke. "Where ya'll been?"

"Casanova here had to stop to talk to every girl that looked halfway decent." Luke smiled and nodded towards Bo.

Bo laughed. "Gotta check all my options."

Luke opened his mouth to say something. Probably a funny comeback that he so easily came up with, but the high pitched morning bell rang and told all of Tulsa that school was starting.

We all said our goodbyes and split up to head for the building we had first block in.

* * *

I scoot to the edge of the futon so my legs were hanging off.

Dr. Bryce didn't notice until I moved certain way and a loud squeak followed.

"Well?" She asks.

"Well. The school bell rang. We all went to class. Normal day at school. No biggie. Now you have everything you need to sign the slip that tells everybody I'm not ok."

Dr. Bryce laughs and lays her pad in her lap and takes her glasses off.

"Darby, I'm afraid it's going to take more than one session for me to know you're ok."

I rolled my head back. I didn't even believe in this phycology bullshit. How the hell can a human being know what's going on it another one's head? They don't even run tests. Just have long, boring conversations.

"I think I'm perfectly fine. Who's going to know better than me?"

Dr. Bryce leaned back in her chair. "I'm not sure. You're going to have to convince me."

I felt my shoulders slouch. "When will you know?"

She smiled like she knew some juicy secret. "I'll know. Until then tell me about these Shephard boys."

I sighed. I was sick of talking about the Shephards.

"Start with T.J" Bryce ordered while putting her glasses back on.

I give her a look.

"T.J's T.J. A asshole with a gang basically." I immediately bit my tongue. One wrong word and we could all get in some deep shit.

"I'm under patient confidentiality, Darby. I can't repeat anything you tell me." Dr. Bryce explains.

I nod and remember her saying that when I first got her.

"Go on."

I roll my eyes and sit up again.

"How is talking about T.J or any Shepard or my sisters going to fix anything? " I look at the clock. Time was up.

"Well Dr. Bryce this has been fun. If you have a change of heart and want to send me that slip you know my address. It would be nice if everybody didn't think I was fucked up in the head." I walk for the door.

"Darby." Dr. Bryce stops me from turning the door handle. "I can't prove you're ok unless you come when you're supposed to and cooperate."

I let my hand rest on the door handle. Finally I turn it and swing the door open.

"I'm not crazy." I state before slamming the door shut behind me.

* * *

**Thank you so much for reading! Please be a doll and comment your thoughts. Again, thank you!**

**-Michaela**


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